Why do I react the way I do in relationships? Understanding attachment styles

Have you ever found yourself wondering why you react the way you do when it comes to relationships?

Perhaps you overthink when someone doesn’t text back, find yourself pulling away when things start getting serious, or worry that you’re “too much” or “not enough” in relationships.

It’s easy to assume these reactions are simply part of who we are. But often, they’re patterns we’ve learned over time.

One way of understanding these patterns is through attachment theory. First developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s and later expanded by psychologist Mary Ainsworth through her research in the 1970s, attachment theory suggests that our earliest relationships can influence how we experience closeness, trust, and emotional safety throughout life.

This isn’t about blaming parents or caregivers – most of them did the best they could with the knowledge, support, and circumstances they had. Instead, attachment theory offers a framework for understanding why we might relate to others in the ways that we do.

So, what are attachment styles?

As children, we learn about relationships through our experiences with the people who care for us. If our emotional needs are responded to consistently, we tend to develop a sense that relationships are safe and that our needs matter.

If those experiences are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or unpredictable, we may develop different ways of protecting ourselves.

These patterns often continue into adulthood, shaping how we experience romantic relationships.

Whilst no one fits perfectly into one category, there are four attachment styles that can help us understand some of our relationship behaviours.

Secure attachment – “I can depend on others, and they can depend on me.”

People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with both closeness and independence.

They are more likely to:

• Trust their partner
• Communicate openly when something is wrong
• Feel able to ask for support
• Work through conflict without assuming the relationship is over

This doesn’t mean relationships are always easy. It simply means that difficulties don’t usually threaten their sense of safety within the relationship.

Anxious attachment – “What if they leave me?”

If you have anxious attachment tendencies, relationships can sometimes feel uncertain, even when things are going well.

You might notice yourself:

• Looking for reassurance that everything is okay
• Overthinking messages or changes in your partner’s behaviour
• Worrying about rejection or abandonment
• Feeling particularly sensitive to distance or disconnection

These reactions aren’t a sign that you’re “too needy.” They’re often rooted in a fear that the relationship isn’t as secure as you’d like it to be.

Avoidant attachment – “I want love, but closeness can feel uncomfortable.”

People with avoidant attachment tendencies often value independence and self-sufficiency. While they may want love and connection, relying on someone else or becoming emotionally vulnerable can feel uncomfortable.

You might recognise yourself if you:

• Find it difficult to ask for help or lean on others
• Pull away when relationships become more serious
• Keep your emotions to yourself
• Feel overwhelmed when a partner wants greater closeness

Avoidant attachment doesn’t mean you don’t care or don’t want relationships. Often, it’s a way of protecting yourself if, at some point in your life, relying on other people didn’t feel safe or consistent.

Can your attachment style change?

One of the biggest misconceptions about attachment styles is that they’re fixed.

They aren’t.

Attachment styles are patterns, not personality traits. And patterns can change.

Through self-awareness, healthier relationships, and sometimes counselling, many people find themselves becoming more secure over time.

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about giving yourself another label. It’s about recognising the patterns that may have been influencing your relationships without you even realising.

Because once we understand why we respond the way we do, we have more choice about how we respond in the future.

A gentle reminder

You may recognise yourself strongly in one attachment style, or you may see aspects of yourself in several. That’s completely normal.

Attachment theory isn’t about fitting neatly into a box. It’s simply one way of making sense of our relationship experiences and understanding that many of our reactions have developed for a reason.

Over the next few blogs, I’ll explore each attachment style in more detail, looking at how they can show up in adult relationships and, most importantly, what you can do if you recognise yourself in them.

If you’re curious about your own relationship patterns…

Whether you’re healing from a breakup, questioning your current relationship, or wondering why dating seems to follow the same frustrating cycle, understanding your attachment style can be a helpful place to start.

Counselling offers a safe, supportive space to explore these patterns and understand how they may be influencing your relationships today. Contact me to find out more.

Until next time,

Becky