Why do I react the way I do in relationships? Understanding attachment styles

Have you ever found yourself wondering why you react the way you do when it comes to relationships?

Perhaps you overthink when someone doesn’t text back, find yourself pulling away when things start getting serious, or worry that you’re “too much” or “not enough” in relationships.

It’s easy to assume these reactions are simply part of who we are. But often, they’re patterns we’ve learned over time – and patterns can be understood and changed.

One way of understanding these patterns is through attachment theory. First developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s and later expanded by psychologist Mary Ainsworth through her research in the 1970s, attachment theory suggests that our early relationship experiences can influence how we experience closeness, trust, and emotional safety throughout life.

This isn’t about blaming parents or caregivers – most of them did the best they could with the knowledge, support, and circumstances they had. Instead, attachment theory offers a framework for understanding why we might relate to others in the ways that we do.

So, what are attachment styles?

As children, we learn about relationships through our experiences with the people who care for us. If our emotional needs are responded to consistently, we tend to develop a sense that relationships are safe and that our needs matter.

If those experiences are inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or unpredictable, we may develop different ways of protecting ourselves.

These patterns often continue into adulthood, shaping how we experience romantic relationships, but they aren’t our destiny, and aren’t a fixed description of who you are. They are ways of responding that developed for a reason and, with awareness and support, they can change.

Whilst no one fits perfectly into one category, there are three main attachment styles that can help us understand some of our relationship behaviours.

Secure attachment – “I can depend on others, and they can depend on me.”

People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with both closeness and independence.

They are more likely to:

• Trust their partner
• Communicate openly when something is wrong
• Feel able to ask for support
• Work through conflict without assuming the relationship is over

Secure attachment doesn’t mean never feeling anxious, jealous, hurt or uncertain. Everyone experiences those feelings. The difference is often in how we respond to them and how easily we can return to a sense of safety.

Anxious attachment – “What if they leave me?”

If you have anxious attachment tendencies, relationships can sometimes feel uncertain, even when things are going well.

You might notice yourself:

• Looking for reassurance that everything is okay
• Overthinking messages or changes in your partner’s behaviour
• Worrying about rejection or abandonment
• Feeling particularly sensitive to distance or disconnection

These reactions aren’t a sign that you’re “too needy.” They’re often rooted in a fear that the relationship isn’t as secure as you’d like it to be.

You may find yourself trying to reduce that uncertainty by seeking reassurance, checking for signs that something has changed, analysing conversations, or becoming preoccupied with how your partner feels about you.

If this sounds familiar, my blog on anxious attachment explores these patterns in more detail.

Avoidant attachment – “I want love, but closeness can feel uncomfortable.”

People with avoidant attachment tendencies often value independence and self-sufficiency. While they may want love and connection, relying on someone else or becoming emotionally vulnerable can feel uncomfortable.

You might recognise yourself if you:

• Find it difficult to ask for help or lean on others
• Pull away when relationships become more serious
• Keep your emotions to yourself
• Feel overwhelmed when a partner wants greater closeness

Avoidant attachment doesn’t mean you don’t care or don’t want relationships. Often, it’s a way of protecting yourself if, at some point in your life, relying on other people didn’t feel safe or consistent.

You may also notice that your desire for independence becomes particularly strong when someone wants more closeness from you. What initially feels like a need for space can sometimes become a way of managing the vulnerability that intimacy brings.

If this sounds familiar, you can read more about avoidant attachment and how it can show up in adult relationships here.

Can your attachment style change?

One of the biggest misconceptions about attachment styles is that they’re fixed.

They aren’t.

Attachment styles are patterns, not personality traits – and patterns can change.

Through self-awareness, supportive relationships and, when appropriate, therapy, people can develop greater security in their relationships over time.

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about giving yourself another label. It’s about recognising patterns that may have been influencing your relationships without you even realising.

And once we understand why we respond the way we do, we have more choice about how we respond in the future.

Want to understand why you react the way you do in relationships?

Learning about attachment can be a useful starting point, but knowing your attachment style is only part of the picture.

You may find yourself wondering, Why am I like this in relationships? Where did these patterns come from? Why do I keep repeating them? And how can I start responding differently?

My digital interactive workbook, Why doesn’t love ever work out for me?, is designed to help you explore those questions.

It looks at how your experiences growing up can influence the way you approach love and relationships as an adult, and includes exercises to help you explore relationship patterns, self-esteem, beliefs about yourself and relationships, and the ways you may protect yourself emotionally.

Understanding where these patterns come from can help you recognise them more clearly, make different choices and approach future relationships with greater awareness.

Explore the workbook

You don’t need to identify perfectly with one attachment style to benefit from exploring your patterns. The aim isn’t to label yourself – it’s to understand yourself.

A gentle reminder

You may recognise yourself strongly in one attachment style, or you may see aspects of yourself in several. That’s completely normal.

Attachment theory isn’t about fitting neatly into a box. It’s one way of making sense of our relationship experiences and understanding that many of our reactions have developed for a reason.

If you’ve recognised yourself here, try to approach that recognition with curiosity rather than criticism. The goal isn’t to decide what’s “wrong” with you. It’s to understand what you’ve learned, what you’re protecting yourself from, and what you might want to do differently.

If you’d like to explore a particular pattern further, I’ve written more about anxious attachment and avoidant attachment in the next articles in this series.

If you’re curious about your own relationship patterns…

Whether you’re healing from a breakup, questioning your current relationship, or wondering why dating seems to follow the same frustrating cycle, understanding your patterns can be a helpful place to start.

But you don’t have to work them out alone.

Individual therapy can give you space to explore where your relationship patterns may have come from, how they affect the way you relate to other people, and what you’d like to change.

I work online with adults across the UK, helping people explore relationship uncertainty, attachment patterns, self-esteem and recurring difficulties in love and relationships.

Find out more about working with me

Or, if you’d prefer to begin independently, you can explore my digital interactive workbook Why doesn’t love ever work out for me?

Explore the workbook

Until next time,
Becky