The importance of setting boundaries

Before I started training to become a counsellor, I’d hadn’t really come across the concept of boundaries, but through my own training, self-development, and working with clients, I’ve not only become very familiar with the concept, but also learned the importance of having them.

What are boundaries?

A boundary can be defined as the edge or limit to something.  It is easy to understand this in context of an area of land, for example, but what does it mean when it comes to having boundaries ourselves?

It’s having your own limit on the thoughts, feelings and actions that you find acceptable for yourself and from others – and this will be different for everyone, so it’s all about learning what works for you and finding your own limit.

What do these boundaries look like?

There are different types of boundaries.  These are:

• Physical: Managing your privacy and your personal space.
• Material: Deciding who to give or lend money or possessions to.
• Social: Managing the time you spend with/on other people (both the amount of time and what you spend the time on)
• Mental: Taking ownership of your own thoughts, values and opinions, and not having these dictated to you by someone else.
• Emotional: Recognising your emotional capacity and knowing when to take a break.
• Internal: Regulating the amount of energy you expend on others and yourself.

How to boundaries work in practice?

Examples include:

• Not answering your phone, but phoning back at a time more convenient to you (or not phoning back at all if it’s someone you don’t want to speak to).
• Not replying to messages straight away.
• Turning down invitations – which can be easier said than done, but I talk about how you can say no without feeling guilty in this video, which I recorded a couple of years ago (already out of date due to its reference to Zoom quizzes (remember the popularity of those during lockdown 2020?!)): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzvH7R43QEM.
• Spending time by yourself.
• Stating your needs and wants.
• Putting your own mental/emotional needs before others (as the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup).

So why are having boundaries so important?

Boundaries are a form of self-care and self-respect.  They help you to take control of your life, so instead of feeling like life is happening to you, you get to decide who and what you want in your life, and where and when you place your time and energy.  It builds confidence and is the antidote to resentment and low self-esteem.

And by helping yourself, you are also helping others too.  As Anna Taylor says, “You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept”, and by modelling healthy boundaries, you’re giving others permission to set their own boundaries too.

Of course, you may come across people who don’t like you having boundaries, but these are likely to be those who benefitted when you didn’t have any!  It’s a sure-fire way of finding out who respects you and who doesn’t!

I think this quote from Sweatpants and Coffee sums it up perfectly: “Pay attention when people act with hostility and anger to your boundaries.  You have found the edge where their respect for you ends.”

If you’d like some support in setting boundaries within your relationship, or with your ex partner if your relationship has ended, then click here, and select the support that is most applicable to your situation. Each of the 3 pages contains information and resources that may help, or feel free to contact me for tailored one-to-one support.

Until next time,

Becky