Why do people have affairs, and what impact do they have on those involved?

In the last blog we looked at the signs your partner may be having an affair, and this one follows on from that by looking at the reasons people have affairs and the effect they can have on all of the people involved.

What are the most common reasons for having an affair?

• Emotional disconnect: Partners can drift apart emotionally, especially when there is a lack of communication, which could cause one of both of them to seek solace and intimacy elsewhere.
• Lack of excitement: Over time, the initial excitement and passion in a relationship can wear off. People may have affairs to experience the thrill of a new relationship or recapture the intensity they once felt.
• Unmet needs: When basic emotional, physical, or psychological needs aren’t met in a relationship, these needs may be sought to be met elsewhere. 
• Revenge or retaliation: An affair could also be used as a form of retaliation or an attempt to get back at a partner who has previously cheated.
• Midlife crisis: A midlife crisis can prompt individuals to engage in affairs as they start to assess the happiness and satisfaction in their life.
• Opportunity: Sometimes affairs can occur simply because the opportunity arises, and people just succumb to temptation.

What is the impact on the partner who has been betrayed?

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can be one of the most emotionally devastating experiences a person can go through.  Here are a few ways an affair can impact an individual:

• Emotional turmoil: Being betrayed through infidelity often triggers intense emotions such as shock, anger, sadness, and confusion.
• Trust issues: The most immediate and lasting effect is the betrayal of trust.  Once trust is broken, it can be very difficult to rebuild, both in the current relationship and in future ones.
• Low self-esteem: You may question your self-worth, wondering why you were not enough for your partner, which may affect your self-esteem.  This can impact your ability to set boundaries in future relationships.
• Physical health effects: The stress and emotional turmoil caused by betrayal can manifest itself in physical health issues such as sleep disturbances, weight changes, and even more serious conditions like heart problems or depression.
• Constant obsession: If your partner has been unfaithful, it can be easy to become obsessed with the affair, constantly seeking answers, evidence, or explanations.  This obsession can hinder your ability to heal and move forward.
• Fear of future betrayal: If you’ve been betrayed once, you can often feel scared of being betrayed again.  This fear can manifest as hypervigilance, insecurity, and an inability to fully trust even in new relationships.
• Rebuilding and healing: While the impact of betrayal can be profound, it is possible to find a way to heal.  With time, support from loved ones, or even counselling, you can learn to rebuild your life, grow stronger, and use the experience to help you find trust and happiness in future relationships.

What is the impact on the partner who is having the affair?

While much of the attention surrounding affairs tends to focus on the betrayed partner and the relationship itself, it’s equally important to look at the impact that infidelity can have on the person who is unfaithful.  Here are some of the ways in which someone having an affair can be affected:

• Guilt and shame: If you are having an affair, you may experience overwhelming guilt and shame, thinking about the moral implications of your actions, such as questioning your integrity and values.
• Stress and anxiety: Maintaining a double life, filled with secrecy and lies, is incredibly stressful.  The fear of getting caught, the constant juggling of schedules, and the worry about the consequences can take a significant toll on stress and anxiety levels.
• Identity crisis: Having an affair can trigger an identity crisis, questioning your own values, principles, and the kind of person you’ve become.
• Loneliness and isolation: You may feel lonely and isolated if you’re unable to confide in friends or family, and feel trapped in a cycle of emotional and physical detachment.
• Jealousy and insecurity: If the person you’re having the affair with is also in another committed relationship, you may experience jealousy and insecurity, and worry about being abandoned or replaced.
• Impact on self-esteem: Over time, you may feel your self-esteem diminishing as you question your worthiness, feeling like you’re only thought of for your role in the affair rather than as a whole person.
• Seeking redemption and healing: You may eventually come to realise the effects of the affair on yourself and your partner, and seek redemption.  This can lead to a journey of self-discovery or counselling to understand why you were unfaithful and to work on personal growth and healing.

What is the impact on a person who enters a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship?

Being involved in a relationship with someone who is already in a committed relationship with someone else can have various impacts, and these effects can vary depending on the individuals and the specific circumstances. Here are some of the potential impacts:

• Emotional turmoil: You may have feelings of guilt, jealousy, insecurity, and betrayal.  It can lead to emotional roller coasters and heightened stress levels.
• Trust issues: It can erode trust, not only between the you and your partner, but also in other relationships.  Trust may be damaged due to the secrecy and deception involved in maintaining the affair.
• Guilt and shame: Maintaining this type of relationship can cause you to have feelings of guilt and shame, particularly if you are aware of your actions and the harm they may cause to someone else’s committed relationship.
• Isolation: Due to the secretive nature of these relationships, you may feel isolated and unable to share your experiences with friends or family.
• Uncertainty and anxiety: There is often uncertainty about the future of such relationships.  You may worry about whether your partner will leave their existing relationship to be with you, or if they will eventually leave you.
• Negative impact on health: The stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil associated with these relationships can have a negative impact on physical and mental health. It can lead to sleep disturbances, depression, and other health issues.
• Damage to self-esteem: You may experience a decline in your self-esteem and self-worth, particularly if you feel like you’re settling for a relationship that isn’t fully committed or if you’re being treated as a secret.

It’s important to note that not all extramarital or non-monogamous relationships lead to negative impacts, and some individuals may navigate such situations with open communication and mutual consent.  However, when secrecy, deception, and betrayal are involved, the potential for harm is significant for all parties involved.

To summarise, there are many reasons why someone may have an affair, and the impact of an affair can have profound emotional, psychological, and social consequences.   When looking to move forward, it is important to recognise that addressing these consequences and seeking help is crucial not only for the well-being of the betrayed partner but also for the person having the affair, and the ‘other person’.   Understanding the motivations and effects of affairs can be a starting point for those involved to reflect on their choices and, if they choose, to embark on a path of personal growth and healing.  Ultimately, each person must evaluate their situation and make choices that align with their values and well-being.

Until next time,

Becky