If you’ve recently come out of a relationship and have been searching for help online, the chances are that you’ve come across the no-contact rule, particularly in terms of getting your ex-partner back.
But what exactly is the no-contact rule and how does it work?
What is it?
The no-contact rule states that you have no contact with your ex-partner for at least 30 days following the ending of the relationship. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Not replying to any messages they send
- Not answering their phone calls or calling them back
- Not looking at their social media, or any of their online presence
- Not driving past their house or work
- Not engineering any ‘accidental’ meeting, or any other general ‘stalking’ behaviour!
What are the claims?
A lot of people claim that the no-contact role will help you win your ex-partner back – that it will make them miss you and realise they made a mistake (if they were the one who ended the relationship) or be prepared to forgive you (if you were the one who ended the relationship).
Does it work?
Yes and no! It does not guarantee getting your relationship back on track, although it may. But in terms of supporting you through those initial few days following a breakup, it can be extremely helpful.
How it works
The premise is actually quite simple – it takes your focus off your ex-partner and places it firmly on you.
It can help you to:
- Take control of the situation and focus on what you can control.
- Put healthy boundaries in place.
- See that you can survive without your ex in your life.
- Reflect on the relationship – what went wrong and why?
- Reflect on yourself in the relationship – was there anything that you did that may have contributed to the breakup?
- Reflect on the kind of relationship you want to have, and explore what do you need to do to get it.
It also has the added benefit of helping prevent any obsessive, impulsive or reactive behaviours towards your ex that might jeopardise any future relationship you have with them.
If followed correctly, by the end of the 30 days, you will hopefully be in a much better position to look at your relationship objectively and then make decisions about it, based on what you’ve learned about yourself.
Of course, this is far from an easy process. When you’re hurting, the desire to reach out and contact your ex-partner is likely to be very strong, especially if they’re contacting you. It may even feel cruel to not reply, so having a friend, family member, or even counsellor to support you during this time may be beneficial.
Should you implement the no-contact rule?
That’s entirely up to you! But you may want to check out this FREE webinar I have created on the subject, which is a great place to start: How to make no contact work for you. I also have a 30 Days No Contact Workbook, with activities and journal prompts for the first 30 days of no contact.
More information on navigating relationship breakups can be found on my Breakup Support page, and if you have any further questions about it, or would like to know how I can support you through the process, feel free to contact me via my Contact Me page.
Until the next time,
Becky